


But He Was Lying

by jessingaround



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alcohol, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Depression, Drug Use, F/M, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Potions, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-05
Updated: 2017-04-05
Packaged: 2018-10-14 23:48:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,356
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10546424
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jessingaround/pseuds/jessingaround
Summary: James Sirius Potter lies and bends the truth, until he ends up in a situation he can't manipulate.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I really enjoy reading the grittier fanfics and novels. I like seeing realistic pain. I also enjoy watching those who care about someone see their pain and do something about it. I decided to write it. :D

James sat on the sofa sipping his parents’ firewhiskey. It was too late for him to be awake, nonetheless drinking. Ginny and Harry had gone to bed hours earlier, and had encouraged James to go to bed a bit earlier than he had been since they would all be going to Diagon Alley the next day to shop for the upcoming school year.

James knew that he should have been excited. It was his seventh year, after all. He couldn’t be though. Not when he couldn’t get excited, or fucking  _ happy _ , about anything. Sure, he smiled. He laughed. He cracked jokes with his brother. Everything felt empty though: hollow, thin. 

James sighed, rubbing his face. He gulped down the rest of the firewhiskey in his glass and poured himself another. He had already had a bit too much, but he couldn’t help himself - the way that the alcohol flooded his system and provided a respite from all of the thinking and the empty was overwhelming in a welcome kind of way. He had started to crave it.

James froze when he heard the stairs creek. Turning around slowly, James released the breath he was holding when he saw that it was Teddy.

“Still up?”

“Yeah.” James let his head fall back and stared up at the ceiling. He felt like everything around him was pulsing, but he was enjoying it.

“Everything okay?”

“Fine. Why are you up?” James’ eyes were closed and he focused on keeping his breath steady as Teddy moved to the couch and sat down next to him.

“Fell asleep for a bit. Woke up about an hour ago and I’ve been tossing and turning since. Figured that if I was going to be awake I could at least read or something. Since you’re up though.” Teddy smiled, eyes gleaming with mischief.

A tight smile was all James could force himself to return.

“Jamie?”

“Uh huh?”

“Are you sure you’re okay?”

James knew that tone. He was going to have to pull himself together to convince Teddy that he was okay. He lifted his head off the couch and locked eyes with Teddy. “Yeah, I’m just” --James laughed-- “I’m kinda drunk.”  _ There. _

Teddy laughed, plucking the glass out of James’ hand and taking a drink of the amber liquid. “Then you won’t mind if I finish this.”

James swore inwardly. “Go for it.”

Teddy held the glass in his hand, letting the bottom rest on the sofa.

“I’m going to bed.” James stood, wobbling slightly.

“You sure? I know I could catch up to you and we could play a game or something.”

“No, I’m pretty tired and we’re going to be busy tomorrow.”  _ And now that I can’t drink there’s no point in being up. _

Teddy’s face scrunched up. “Yeah, you’re right. Go on to bed. I’ll see you in the morning.”

James mumbled something and stumbled up the stairs, leaving Teddy alone in the sitting room worrying about whether or not he had hurt James’ feelings somehow.

***

The next day was excruciatingly long. By the time the Potter family (Teddy included) got back home, James was exhausted. James dropped his books, robes, and other supplies on his bed and closed his door and leaning against it. He took a deep breath and willed himself to relax some. He couldn’t stop thinking about how inadequate he was. He was struggling so much just to go out on a family shopping trip, how would he survive another year of school? Just then someone knocked on James’ door. He forced himself to move and opened it. Teddy stood in front of him, twisting his hands, hair dulled to a blue-gray.

“Are you mad at me?”

James squinted. “Why would I be mad at you?”

Teddy pushed into James’ room. “I don’t know, that’s why I’m asking. You’ve just been so distant lately.”

“Oh, sorry. I don’t know. Been busy.”

“Busy? James, it’s summer holiday.”

James paused, trying to think of something to say to get Teddy to leave him alone. “I’m not mad, okay?”

“Then what’s going on, James?”

James knew he was going to have to give Teddy something. If he didn’t, the boy would camp out in front of his door until he left for Hogwarts and then write to him until he finally caved. James didn’t want to explain everything. James didn’t  _ want  _ to explain anything. He knew he had to say something though. “I think I’m gay.”

Teddy’s brow furrowed. “Oh.”

“Yeah. I just. I think I like blokes. That’s, that’s just it.”

“Since when?” Teddy said quietly and sat down on James’ bed.

“I guess forever. I’ve never really been attracted to girls.”

“Wow.”

James shifted.

Suddenly, Teddy looked frantic. “I’m not freaked out or anything. I’m just shocked, that’s all.”

“I know,” James said, but he was lying.

The pair sat in silence until Ginny’s voice magically projected through the house calling everyone for dinner.

***

James rode the Hogwarts’ Express back to school exactly like he was supposed to. James played Quittage like he was supposed to. James did his duties as a prefect like he was supposed to. Like he was supposed to. That phrase could be used to explain everything that James did. Except, of course, for the one weekend a month that James allowed himself to forget about all of his responsibilities and leave the campus. Of course, it was absolutely against school rules, and if his dad found out he would be grounded indefinitely, but he needed it. He needed the escape from routine and the oppressing rules and expectations. So, once a month, James reclaimed the Marauder’s Map and invisibility cloak  and from his younger brother and snuck off of Hogwarts’ grounds using on of the lesser known passage ways, ending up in Hogsmeade. Once there, James would Apparate to Muggle London and enjoy a night of partying without any restrictions or expectations. James was intelligent and planned well, being certain that the likelihood he would be needed the next day would be very slim. He normally returned sometime during the night, but he allowed for any number of circumstances. 

Only Merlin knows how, but James managed to go until Spring Holiday without as much as a close call. Feeling a bit cocky, and willing to up his game, James returned home for a fortnight to spend time with his parents.

***

He had been stuck at home, stuck in the bubble of his parents, for far too long. They didn’t understand how his world worked, how his world felt.

So, James snuck out of the house. He didn’t want to be trapped in his room all night, unable to sleep. He was of age. It was spring holiday. It didn’t matter that he was still a student and technically living with his parents, James was an adult. Muggle London would serve him alcohol without a second thought, and the only reason he wouldn’t be served in the wizarding world was because his father was the Bloody Fucking Savior. James slipped into a club, and as soon as he saw the crowd he was thankful that he wore his usual all black. Very few people were wearing anything other than black or gray. The clothes were tight and, for the ladies scarce. There was a bar to one side of the building, where people were waiting for drinks. Loud music filled the room, a DJ orchestrating from the back corner. The dance floor was filled with people, dancing and kissing. A few booths were occupied by couples or groups and the tables were cluttered with glasses and shots. James took a deep breath, feeling a bit overwhelmed by all of the people.

He forced himself to the bar and ordered a shot of vodka with a wedge of lime and a pint. James rested his elbows on the bar, waiting for his order, and he felt someone brush up against him. James turned, seeing a bloke with sandy blonde hair, which was pulled back, and sharp features. “Name’s Evan. You look like you could use a drink.”

“James. I’m waiting on it.”

“First time? I haven’t seen you here before.”

“Yeah. Do you come here often?”

“Often enough.” The bartender brought James his drinks and Evan smiled. “Hey, Sven, put two more shots on my tab.”

James downed the vodka, savoring the burn of the alcohol momentarily, then sucked on the wedge of lime. When the bartender, Sven, returned, Evan motioned for him to give James one of the shots.

“On me. Since it’s your first time and all.” Evan winked.

“Thanks.” James felt strange accepting alcohol from a stranger, but knew that it was something people did when they were interested, so he obliged. He wasn’t exactly trying to find someone to date, or hook up with, or anything, but he did want to relax and enjoy himself. This was okay.

***

James woke up the following day nauseous and with a massive headache. Lily was banging on his door, yelling about breakfast being ready. James groaned, pulling his pillow over his head. He didn’t remember what time he got in, but he knew that it was well after his curfew and far too late to be forced up at…  _ 8:00 am.  _ James rolled over and forced himself to get up. He stumbled to the bathroom and spelled the water on. Stepping into the stream, James moaned. Some time over the night James had ended up getting something sticky all over him. That and the sweat was now washing down the drain, making him feel much more human-like.

By the time James made it into the dining room, everyone else had already started eating.

“Nice of you to join us, James.” Harry didn’t look up from his paper. “Long night?”

James paused, unsure if his dad knew that he had snuck out the night before. “Uh, yeah. Couldn’t really sleep.”

“It is quite difficult to sleep when you are traipsing around Muggle London.”

_ Shit. _

Albus tried to stifle a laugh but failed. Harry looked up at his two younger children. “If you are finished eating you should go get dressed for some flying. The weather is going to be quite nice today.” Both Albus and Lily stood, sharing a glance, and left the room. Ginny gathered the plates that her children had abandoned and disappeared into the kitchen while James settled into his seat.

For the first time that morning Harry met James’ eyes and what James saw was worse than anything his father would ever say or punish him with. James saw disappointment. “First of all, James, I’m an auror. Second, I snuck around and broke more rules and laws at Albus’ age than you could even name. Third, I’m paranoid and obsessively protective when it comes to my family. How did you think I wouldn’t find out about this?”

“I’ve gotten away with other things.” James mumbled.

Harry sighed. “No, I’ve let you get away with things.” He took a sip of his tea while he watched James’ unbelieving expression. “I want you and your siblings to be able to be normal kids. Well, as normal as you can be, considering I’m your dad. I know about the firewhiskey. I know about the pranks at school. I know you Albus has the Marauders’’ Map and my Invisibility cloak, though I’m certain you lay claim to it since you took it from me and passed it to him. What I don’t know is why you felt like you needed to, or wanted to, go to a Muggle club and get pissed.” Harry’s eyes shone from behind his glasses.

“I… I just wanted to know what it was like, dad. I’m of age now and no one here will serve me shite because I’m your son.” James saw the pain flash across his father’s face, but he kept going. “I can’t go anywhere here without being  _ known  _ as the oldest son of Harry ‘The Savior’ Potter.” James didn’t realize how much he really felt this until the words were pouring out of his mouth. “I hate being known. I hate being famous. Especially for something  _ I didn’t do. _ I want to be normal.”

Harry wet his lips and removed his glasses, rubbing his eyes. “James, please believe me when I tell you that I do understand that. As soon as I learned I was a wizard I was famous. I didn’t even know why, Jamie. When Hagrid finally explained it all to me, he had to explain that I was famous because my parents were dead and I lived. Do you realized how fucked up that is?”

James was taken aback at his father’s use of expletive. Normally he only cussed when he was drunk off his rocker and thought all his kids were tucked into bed somewhere out of earshot or absolutely overcome with emotion. “I, I’m sorry, dad. I didn’t think about it like that.”

Harry fiddled with his glasses then pushed them back into place on his face. “No, this isn’t about me.” He locked eyes with his son. “James, I understand that you are of age and want to go out and do things that teenagers your age do. I really just wish you would have talked to me about it and told me where you were going. You know, you know I worry.”

James traced the lines of the table with his finger. “I know. I’m sorry. I was inconsiderate. I’ll talk to you next time.”

Harry accepted the apology and trusten his son, but James was lying.

Barely a week later, James went out again, and just like before he didn’t tell his dad. He was staying a few days with Teddy at his flat and James had talked him into going out. James knew that Teddy wouldn’t tell Harry, and James was in desperate need to escape. His parents had spent the entire break trying to spend time with him and talk to him about his plans for his future. They wanted to know if he would be an Auror like his father, or a Curse Breaker like his Uncle Charlie. When he had said he wasn’t sure they started talking about Professional Quittage and then other aspects of Magical Law Enforcement. James was overwhelmed by the constant questions and having to deflect them. But when he wasn’t with his parents being bombarded with questions about his future, had been stuck at home in his head. The week he had been home for spring holiday felt more exhausting than the three months he had been at school. It was his parents. His dad. The questions. The long looks. It was like he  _ knew _ that James was hiding something. He probably did. James couldn’t think about that though. He still had another week before he would ride the train back to Hogwarts and sink back into his routine of not being noticed. James had convinced his parents to let him stay for Teddy for a few days, so they could spend some quality time together.

And so James and Teddy were going to party. James planned on finding a nice witch or wizard for Teddy to go home with, as the older boy had divulged in a letter the past term that he was bisexual. Once Teddy was distracted, he could lose himself in the high that would accompany the potion he had brewed the prior weekend when the rest of his family went out for icecream. James had never been a big fan of the cold sweet, and so he asked if he could stay behind and indulge himself in the rest of the chocolate cake his grandmother had sent over. James had eaten the cake, of course, and then let himself into the room designed for potion brewing, bringing the handwritten instructions he had confiscated from another seventh year. He had looked over the ingredients earlier and decided that the potion would surely provide him with some fun.

When James arrived, Teddy was wearing a pair of dark skinny jeans and a green v-neck. Recently he had been wearing his hair in an almost gray blonde color. James had arrived earlier that morning wearing black pants, rolled up to show his ankle bones, and a gray shirt. James knew that Teddy would stand out wearing the green, but it brought out the blue in his eyes so he didn’t say anything. Teddy standing out might be just the thing he needed for his plans to succeed.

When they had arrived at the bar James immediately ordered two shots of vodka and two pints, then started scanning the area for girls he thought Teddy might find attractive. Just because James was gay didn’t mean that he couldn’t pinpoint an attractive lady. This was especially true when it would allow him to engage in the kind of reckless behavior that he had been craving. The bartender brought the drinks and while James carried them back to the table Teddy had settled in he spotted a girl that, in his opinion, was right up Teddy’s alley. Her hair was nearly white, and there was a streak of deep blue to one side. Her makeup was bold and she was dressed in black skinny jeans and a black silk top. James set the drink on the table, encouraging Teddy to drink, and motioned to the woman.

“She looks like just your type.”

“What makes you think that?” Teddy’s eyes appraised the woman.

“Look at her style, Teddy. Her hair screams ‘I don’t give a fuck what you think of me.’ And her clothes, well, she has style.”

“I will admit, she does have style.” Teddy smiled.

“Go talk to her.”

“I thought we were having guys night.” Teddy frowned. “I don’t want to ditch you.”

“I promise, it’s cool. She looks like a great match for you.” James picked up both shot glasses, handing one to Teddy, let’s toast and then you go chat her up.”

Teddy stared at his friend, then rolled his eyes. “Fine.” Teddy grabbed and downed the shot. However, James had no idea that Teddy was on to him.

Teddy approached the attractive girl, asked her name and if he could buy her a drink. Samantha agreed, and seemed legitimately interested in Teddy. Teddy, however, was far more concerned with his friend’s behavior. Teddy had known that something was up with James since the summer. He had hoped that the problem would resolve itself once he returned to school, but it seemed that it had only gotten worse. Teddy was worried, and desperately wanted to know what was going on with his friend, which was exactly why he had agreed to go out and drink. The two had been sending letters back and forth all term and Teddy had confided in James, but he still hadn’t let on that anything was bothering him. James had written a bit about the concerns he was having about coming out, but Teddy knew that something else was bothering him. If Teddy knew anything as a potion’s master in training, he knew that alcohol was the main ingredient to Veritaserum.

Teddy quickly explained the situation to Samantha. He told her that he was quite interested in talking to her, and really wanted to get to know her better, she was a grad student at the Princeton studying Literature - how cool was that, however, he was worried about his friend and wanted to keep an eye on them. Teddy and Samantha discreetly traded numbers, because she too was impressed with his career in ‘pharmaceutics’ and his desire to put his established relationships before what most people approached as a potential one night stand.

Teddy walked away with a cell phone number in his pocked and a false frown on his face. James didn’t consider for a second that he was being played.

For the rest of the night Teddy refused the or sabotaged the girls and guys James tried to hook him up with. Instead of hooking up or dancing, like it was clear James wanted, Teddy allowed James to drink until he was legless, wandlessly vanishing his own alcohol. He had a feeling that James was going to do something bloody stupid, and he was right.

***

James rolled over, unsure of where he was. The bed was soft, but he wasn’t used to waking up next to a body. The club. James must have gotten drunk, or high, or some combination of the two and gone home with someone.

When he rolled over though, he immediately knew where he was. The body lying next to him was still clad in a green shirt. James cursed inwardly. He had to have fucked up royally for Teddy to bring him to his bed. 

James sat up slowly, intending on sneaking out of the bedroom and locking himself in the loo. Maybe he would drown himself in the shower. Maybe he would just apparate back to his parents’ house. James was slowly turning the door handle when he heard Teddy shift.

“Where do you think you’re going?”

“The loo,” James replied.

“Fine. Just so you know you can’t lock any of the doors, and you can’t leave. Difficult piece of magic, but I thought it necessary considering the absolute bullshit I had to deal with from you last night. We’re going to have a long talk after you take your piss.” Teddy sat up and moved to the door, walking past James. “I’ll be in the kitchen. Don’t be long.” He never even looked at James. 

_ Fuck. _

James tried to calm himself in the bathroom. He had no idea what he had done the night before, but based on Teddy’s reaction it hadn’t been good. He splashed cold water on his face. He had to face him.

James entered the kitchen silently, unsure what he could even say.

“What do you even remember from last night?”

James bit his bottom lip. “Uh, we went out to get drinks.”

“And…” Teddy was stirring what looked like eggs in a pan and James had to look away to keep himself from getting sick.

“And, I’m guessing I drank a bit too much.”

“Do you remember consuming a fucking potion?”

James gripped the counter in front of him. “I remember that I had one… I don’t remember… taking it.”

“I see.” Teddy spooned the now fully-cooked scrambled eggs onto two different plates. He added toast already smeared with butter, and half an orange to each. “Eat,” he said while handing one of the plates and a fork to James, still not looking at him.

James took the plate, but didn’t move. “Teddy, will you look at me?”

Teddy turned his head, eyes locking with James’. Teddy’s eyes were bloodshot and his face was pinched as if he couldn’t decide what the right answer on a test was. Teddy pointed to a stool placed at the bar that Teddy usually ate at. “Eat.”

James obeyed. He still felt nauseous, and had never actually cared for scrambled eggs, but he didn’t want to push Teddy. Once the food on his plate was gone and he had drained the glass of water that Teddy had placed in front of him James cleared his throat. “So, what stupid thing did I do?”

“Stupid? Stupid?” Teddy’s voice, which had been calm the whole morning, got louder and started to show some of the emotion that Teddy had clearly been trying to mask. His hair flickered red at the roots for a moment. “You acted far more than stupid last night, James. First of all, that potion is illegal. Second, it is not supposed to be mixed with alcohol. You were absolutely wasted when you took it, at the bar I might add. You’re actually fucking lucky that you did that because since I saw you take the bloody thing I knew what was going on when you started bloody fucking  _ hallucinating _ . Hallucinating, James.”

“I didn’t know it was illegal, or that it shouldn’t be mixed with alcohol. I, I’m sorry.” James grimaced, aware that his explanation and apology was far from sufficient, but unable to say anything more.

Teddy ran his fingers through his hair. “What I want to know, James, is why you had that potion in the first place. I want to know why you were so desperate to go out drinking last night. I want to know what’s going on.”

“I confiscated the instructions for that potion from another seventh year, and thought it may be fun to give it a try. I wanted to have fun with you.”

“That’s utter shite, James. You were trying to find someone to send me home with as soon as we stepped foot in that club.” Teddy rolled his eyes.

James fixed his eyes on his sock clad feet. 

“Jamie, please tell me what is going on? I’m not stupid. I know something’s wrong. Whatever it is, I won’t get upset. I’ll help you. I promise.”

James didn’t look up. He didn’t want to look at Teddy. He didn’t want to talk about this but he knew that Teddy would either make him talk or use Legilimency.

“Jamie, fucking talk to me.” Teddy pulled the stool that James was sitting on so that the two were face-to-face. “Talk to me, please.”

James looked up, meeting Teddy’s eyes. “Something’s wrong.”

After a moment of silence Teddy asked, “what do you mean?”

“I…” James squeezed his eyes shut. “I mean that there is something wrong with me. I don’t know anyone else who feels like this.”

“Feels like what, Jamie?”

“Like absolutely nothing.” James sat quietly for a moment before he spoke again, “I feel like absolutely nothing.” Then silent tears ran down his unmoving face.

Teddy comprehended the emotions before he comprehended the words, James was more than sad or mad or upset. James wasn’t rebelling. James wasn’t working through an issue at school or home. James needed help. Teddy wrapped his arms around the James, the person he had been nearly inseparable from for his entire life, and held him.

**Author's Note:**

> I sincerely hope you enjoyed this. I feel this piece is complete, even though James is not finished with this and will need a lot of support and assistance.
> 
> I'm thinking that I may provide some additional information by adding works to a series, but until now you just have to trust that Teddy knows what to do.


End file.
